Piranha 3D

Aug 2010, Alexandre Aja, 88 mins

First and foremost, Piranha 3D is the best blend of ‘hard core gore’ and ‘soft core porn’ ever to jump off the screen. It’s a ballad of intense feeding frenzies, outlandish blood splatter, and boobs. With the amount of mammary glands being thrown around in Piranha 3D, a more appropriate name might be Piranha DD.

Director Alexandre Aja (The Hills Have Eyes, Mirrors) blends his background in horror films to what ends up being one of the funniest films of the summer. Unlike The Other Guys or Dinner for Schmucks, two comedies that somewhat underperformed in the laugh category, Piranha holds nothing back. It accepts itself as schlock and successfully hits every note. Is it cheap? Is the film quality a little grainy even in 3D? Yes, yes… but that’s the essence of the film.

When Francis Ford Coppolla set out to make The Godfather, he wanted to make a modern mafia epic... the end product was the pinnacle film of the genre. In the same vein, Piranha 3D’s makers wanted to craft a campy homage to the late 70's and 80's creature feature and mix in current Hollywood guts and implants... the end product is a campy, big-boobed slaughterfest.

A movie like Piranha 3D should not be viewed by mothers and their 8 year old sons. A lesson I was taught by the pair sitting next to me at the movies last night. Lady, what the #!*@ were you thinking! The kid almost pooped his pants during the previews for some new stupid horror flick and now you’re going to subject him to Skinamax meets late night SciFi material? Epic fail in an effort to secure the “I’m a cool mom” award – she actually admitted defeat about 45 minutes into the movie, when they left. Yes. It’s that good.

And now, the plot in 25 words: A small earthquake unleashes a pack of human eating piranhas into Lake Victoria (Havasu) during spring break week. Hide the kids, and the silicone enhancements!

Piranha 3D goes the extra mile to succeed as a B-Movie. With all of its raunchiness and hilarity, it moves past failed attempts like Snakes on a Plane and ventures into its own category... a remake of crap worthy of its own sequel.

Box Office Predictions

My predictions for Friday, June 18^th through Sunday, June 20^th

$102.0 --- Toy Story 3

$27.8 --- The Karate Kid

$14.0 --- Jonah Hex

$10.7 --- The A-Team

$8.7 --- Shrek Forever After

$5.3 --- Get Him to the Greek

$4.0 --- Killers

$3.3 --- Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

$2.9 --- Marmaduke

$2.8 --- Sex and the City 2

Check out the Derby

Box Office Predictions

My predictions for Friday, April 23^rd - Sunday, April 25^th

^{$14.9 --- How to Train Your Dragon}

$13.0 --- The Losers

$12.9 --- The Back-Up Plan

$10.9 --- Kick-Ass

$9.7 --- Date Night

$9.0 --- Oceans

$7.4 --- Clash of the Titans

$6.5 --- Death at a Funeral

$3.0 --- The Last Song

$2.4 --- Alice in Wonderland

Check out the Derby

Kick-Ass

Apr 2010, Matthew Vaughn, 117 mins

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to hear a colorful comic book hero curse excessively on film? What if that colorful comic book hero is an 11 year old, angel-faced girl? Ok, even if you haven’t thought about this before, let me tell you, it’s frickin awesome! As is most of the new action-comedy, Kick-Ass, an original look at the overplayed comic book genre that has dominated multiplexes over the past decade.

In a world where everyone reads comics and watches their inspired movies, why hasn’t an actual superhero ever existed in what we call reality? Because, in reality, they would get their ass killed in two minutes, right? In Kick-Ass, we learn that a hero doesn’t need to knock people out with a “pow!” or a "bang!" ...or tie them in webs. They can simply blow the stuffing out of the bad guys with an arsenal of weaponry.

Nicolas Cage shows up as Big Daddy, a revenge minded Batman look-a-like who snipes and slashes with unmatched skill. Cage, despite his recent roles in stinkers like Bangkok Dangerous and The Wicker Man, is a good actor and strikingly not annoying in this performance. His sidekick, the 11 year old Hit Girl, is the gem of the movie. Watching her rumble with evil-doers in acrobatic fashion almost brings to mind a young Yoda. Her killer blade is only outdone by her killer tongue - cursing up a storm that even Tarantino would blush at.

Kick-Ass himself, a self made superhero who really is just a nerd in a wet suit, is great fun to watch. But by the end of the film he seems more like a side character than a title worthy lead.

Kick-Ass is a smart and timely movie that will have any adult viewer laughing. Its bloody violence is as extreme as anything I’ve seen in the past few years, and a nice treat considering the young cast and hip title.

Hot Tub Time Machine

Mar 2010, Steve Pink, 100 mins

Hot Tub Time Machine is a good, raunchy, crude R rated comedy. Although it doesn’t challenge the hilarity of The Hangover, it does serve as a perfectly fine 100 minutes of dumb sex jokes and drunken antics. And it has John Cusack going back to the ‘80s with his tongue fully in his cheek.

Cusack and his crew (Craig Robinson, Clark Duke, and the awesome Rob Corddry) travel back through time in a... you guessed it... hot tub. After waking up from a booze-educed slumber and puking on a squirrel, the guys hit the slopes of their ski lodge. They notice fellow skiers in neon ski suits and leg warmers, chicks with crimped hair, and dudes listening to their cassette players. Inevitably, they realize that they have been transported to the Reagan era. Confused and desperately trying to avoid making Hitler president (via “the butterfly effect”), comedy ensues.

What is worth talking about is Corddry and his star making turn as Lou. As a drunk, bald, divorcee, Lou is the brightest light in this starry sky of belligerence. From his off-color pop culture references, to his unyielding whisky pounding and womanizing, this character is great fun to watch. In a movie where nothing is politically correct, Lou still manages to stand out.

Does the movie flow well, no. Will any of the big laughs be memorable enough to be talked about after the films theatrical run, no. Was it a great way to spend the evening, yes. It was also nice to see a film that didn’t need a third dimension just to get you in the seat.

Antichrist

May 2009, Lars von Trier, 108 mins

(no stars. zero.)

As an American Idol judge would do, let’s start with the positive… the acting was fine. As for every other aspect of this torturous, lame, and utterly disturbing piece of (pardon my language) shit, Antichrist is terrible. It’s so bad, and mind blowingly so, that I can’t possibly fathom how it was made. To start, the film begins with a porno style close up of insertion…that’s right…insertion. And if that had been the worst of it, it might have been able to be described as artful. However, over the next hour and half nothing of any substance comes from the actions of the story.

It really is about as offensive to the eyes as a film could be. I would rather watch a 24 hour loop of the most grisly horror scenes from Hostel and Saw then to watch another 2 minutes of this abortion. What the filmmakers were thinking is far beyond my knowledge and whatever symbolism they were trying to create is just wrong. You failed.

Here is the movie’s spoiler, its sucks all the way through. Unrelenting crap. Not even a single redeeming quality. Unless, you’re a sex crazed sadist without the slightest bit of dignity… then you might very well enjoy yourself.

Antichrist is not like many bad movies in the way that you can find some humor in its shortcomings. I had hoped the film was going to be a pretentious hipster nightmare but what it actually is, is a test of endurance. I forced myself to finish for the sole fact that I never wanted to see it again. I wasn’t looking for a redeeming quality because no surprise was going to erase the first 80 minutes.

I wish I could go into detail about some of the scenes and their advanced perversion but sitting here writing about it actually brings me to physical pain.

If you watch this movie, I will be mad at you. Andy the Movie Man has laid a solid warning. Don’t watch this shit.

Oscar Winner List

(0 for 1) Best Picture: in an upset, Inglorious Basterds THE HURT LOCKER

(0 for 2) Director: James Cameron KATHRYN BIGELOW for THE HURT LOCKER

(1 for 3) Lead Actor: Jeff Bridges

(1 for 4) Lead Actress: Meryl Streep SANDRA BULLOCK

(2 for 5) Supporting Actor: Chirstoph Waltz

(3 for 6) Supporting Actress: Mo’Nique

(3 for 7) Original Screenplay: Quentin Tarantino THE HURT LOCKER

(3 for 8) Adapted Screenplay: Jason Reitman PRECIOUS

(4 for 9) Animated Feature: Up …duh

(5 for 10) Art Direction: Avatar

(5 for 11) Cinematography: Inglorious Basterds AVATAR

(6 for 12) Costume Design: The Young Victoria

(7 for 13) Documentary Feature: The Cove

(8 for 14) Film Editing: The Hurt Locker

(8 for 15) Foreign Language Film: The Prophet THE SECRET IN THEIR EYES

(9 for 16) Make Up: Star Trek

(9 for 17) Music (original score): The Hurt Locker UP

(10 for 18) Music (original song): Weary Kind (Crazy Heart)

(11 for 19) Sound Editing: The Hurt Locker

(12 for 20) Sound Mixing: The Hurt Locker

(13 for 21) Visual Effects: Avatar

For a total percentage of 62%

Now, a good second guess would be to put anything related to The Hurt Locker in as a winner. (If i listened to myself here, my percentage would have been 76%). A huge sweep for The Hurt Locker is possible if voters find it more appealing than the big bad blockbuster that is Avatar. So watch out for it to sneak up and walk away with Best Picture (yep), Director (yep), Actor, and Original Screenplay (yep).

Crazy Heart

Feb 2010, Scott Cooper, 112 mins

I’m a sucker for the kind of story Crazy Heart puts on the screen. Maybe it’s from my days working with a group of burnt out, chain smoking, fifty-something-year-old drunk landscapers. Whatever is, I feel drawn to this sad world of self deprecation. The story behind why people allow themselves to fall so far past the realm "normal" is extremely interesting to me. Perhaps it’s why I like shows like Intervention; to see a pathetic life, a wasted life, a train wreck of existence... I can’t turn away. Though it may be because it’s not my life.

That being said, Jeff Bridges arguably gives his best performance ever. Every inch of his Bad Blake character seems real. I’ve seen a man with nothing but a bottle, his pain suppressed only until the buzz is gone. And his performance is the real thing.

I don’t like country music, not because of the story the songs tell, but just because it’s slow and the fact I never really heard it as a kid. However, I like the music that is Crazy Heart. It works.

The filmmakers and song writers did a great job making Bad Blake seem like a country performer. A fatal flaw was avoided when they made the music good enough that even a kid from the Northeast, who’d rather listen to The Doors than Hank Williams, actually enjoyed the country twang.

Bad is so bad to himself that even after a car wreck leaves him with a broken ankle and a concussion, the doctor tells him; “I’m not worried about the ankle, I’m worried about your general condition.” Put yourself in Bad’s shoes, you’re 57 years old, four broken marriages, a kid somewhere who won’t talk to you, a dying career... why wouldn’t bury yourself in a bottle of whisky and chain smoke cigs from your soft pack? Because killing yourself with regret is still killing yourself. A slow suicide is still suicide. It’s a dark way to live but this kind of role brings out the best in many actors.

Crazy Heart to me was more of a character study than anything. I would love to be able to create a character as Thomas Cobb (the novel) did.

Bridges will most likely win the Oscar. He’s due. His performance, much like Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler last year, steals the show from any other aspect of the film. Maggie Gyllenhaal is up for Best Supporting Actress, she won’t win. I feel the nomination is more of a tribute to how good Bridges was. He made every character in the film believable because you knew he was. Even Colin Farrell as a country singer stud, Tommy Sweet.

Hats off and cup up Mr. Bridges. Wonderful film.

Two New Winter Thrillers Help 2010 Paint the Snow Red

Jan 2010, Martin Campbell, 117 mins

First is the quote, unquote return of Mel Gibson in Edge Of Darkness. Crazy, drunk, and racist are terms all too easily linked to Mr. Gibson over the past decade. With Edge of Darkness, some of the old school actor in him bleeds out to the point you’re actually able to forget the recent nonsense.

Gibson plays Thomas Craven, a Boston detective, gone rogue in the search for his daughter’s murderers. The action starts hot and heavy with a great splatter death that gives the restaurant scene in History of Violence a run for its money on the gore-o-meter.

As Craven picks apart the life of his daughter, he begins to unravel what may have been more than just a random act of violence. What seemed like a normal parental revenge flick, ala Death Wish and Death Sentence, shows slight signs of turning into a political minded thriller.

The film was a good choice for Mel as it gets back to his successful revenge-themed movies of the ‘80s and ‘90s. His dark, one minded character is heavy on the rugged intensity, light on emotion, and driven to madness. This madness makes for some of the film’s best scenes, as he stumbles, weathered and beaten through gun battle after gun battle. There is a craziness in his eyes that connects to the audience and allows the viewer into his mind process.

Darkness is aptly directed by Martin Campbell, who shows a knack at illuminating his protagonist’s inner battles in most of his films. Campbell is the same director who made James Bond a sadist, revenge driven man in Casino Royale. Here, there are similarities in the glare and the mood between Daniel Craig’s Bond, and Mel Gibson’s Craven.

Feb 2010, Joe Johnston, 102 mins

Also drenching the mid February snow with carnage is the re-imaging of the horror classic, The Wolfman. The film, a moody period piece, looks beautiful on screen. Director Joe Johnston (October Sky, Jurassic Park III) knows how sculpt an amazing imaginary world of Werewolves and curses. However, the films main curse is the screenplay by Andrew Kevin Walker and David Self. With every nerve awakening jolt, comes a soggy back and forth between the characters. The second curse was the casting of Benicio Del Toro as the title character. You sit, watching this fine actor, in bewilderment at how bad he is for this part. Again, he doesn’t have the opportunity for many good lines because of the poor script but it’s a far cry from his performances in Traffic or Usual Suspects.

Anthony Hopkins is devilishly good in supporting role and Emily Blunt proves again she can be relevant in any role given to her. But it’s hard to get away from the dialogue that seemed written for a modern day scare-fest and not rooted in the 1891 setting.

On the upside, there are chilling moments and it is fun to watch the transformation of human to Lycan but all of this was shown in the full length trailer of the film.

The Wolfman ends in less than stunning fashion with a face off of fur that seemed more like a cat fight than a junkyard dog brawl.