Piranha 3D

Aug 2010, Alexandre Aja, 88 mins

First and foremost, Piranha 3D is the best blend of ‘hard core gore’ and ‘soft core porn’ ever to jump off the screen. It’s a ballad of intense feeding frenzies, outlandish blood splatter, and boobs. With the amount of mammary glands being thrown around in Piranha 3D, a more appropriate name might be Piranha DD.

Director Alexandre Aja (The Hills Have Eyes, Mirrors) blends his background in horror films to what ends up being one of the funniest films of the summer. Unlike The Other Guys or Dinner for Schmucks, two comedies that somewhat underperformed in the laugh category, Piranha holds nothing back. It accepts itself as schlock and successfully hits every note. Is it cheap? Is the film quality a little grainy even in 3D? Yes, yes… but that’s the essence of the film.

When Francis Ford Coppolla set out to make The Godfather, he wanted to make a modern mafia epic... the end product was the pinnacle film of the genre. In the same vein, Piranha 3D’s makers wanted to craft a campy homage to the late 70's and 80's creature feature and mix in current Hollywood guts and implants... the end product is a campy, big-boobed slaughterfest.

A movie like Piranha 3D should not be viewed by mothers and their 8 year old sons. A lesson I was taught by the pair sitting next to me at the movies last night. Lady, what the #!*@ were you thinking! The kid almost pooped his pants during the previews for some new stupid horror flick and now you’re going to subject him to Skinamax meets late night SciFi material? Epic fail in an effort to secure the “I’m a cool mom” award – she actually admitted defeat about 45 minutes into the movie, when they left. Yes. It’s that good.

And now, the plot in 25 words: A small earthquake unleashes a pack of human eating piranhas into Lake Victoria (Havasu) during spring break week. Hide the kids, and the silicone enhancements!

Piranha 3D goes the extra mile to succeed as a B-Movie. With all of its raunchiness and hilarity, it moves past failed attempts like Snakes on a Plane and ventures into its own category... a remake of crap worthy of its own sequel.

Crazy Heart

Feb 2010, Scott Cooper, 112 mins

I’m a sucker for the kind of story Crazy Heart puts on the screen. Maybe it’s from my days working with a group of burnt out, chain smoking, fifty-something-year-old drunk landscapers. Whatever is, I feel drawn to this sad world of self deprecation. The story behind why people allow themselves to fall so far past the realm "normal" is extremely interesting to me. Perhaps it’s why I like shows like Intervention; to see a pathetic life, a wasted life, a train wreck of existence... I can’t turn away. Though it may be because it’s not my life.

That being said, Jeff Bridges arguably gives his best performance ever. Every inch of his Bad Blake character seems real. I’ve seen a man with nothing but a bottle, his pain suppressed only until the buzz is gone. And his performance is the real thing.

I don’t like country music, not because of the story the songs tell, but just because it’s slow and the fact I never really heard it as a kid. However, I like the music that is Crazy Heart. It works.

The filmmakers and song writers did a great job making Bad Blake seem like a country performer. A fatal flaw was avoided when they made the music good enough that even a kid from the Northeast, who’d rather listen to The Doors than Hank Williams, actually enjoyed the country twang.

Bad is so bad to himself that even after a car wreck leaves him with a broken ankle and a concussion, the doctor tells him; “I’m not worried about the ankle, I’m worried about your general condition.” Put yourself in Bad’s shoes, you’re 57 years old, four broken marriages, a kid somewhere who won’t talk to you, a dying career... why wouldn’t bury yourself in a bottle of whisky and chain smoke cigs from your soft pack? Because killing yourself with regret is still killing yourself. A slow suicide is still suicide. It’s a dark way to live but this kind of role brings out the best in many actors.

Crazy Heart to me was more of a character study than anything. I would love to be able to create a character as Thomas Cobb (the novel) did.

Bridges will most likely win the Oscar. He’s due. His performance, much like Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler last year, steals the show from any other aspect of the film. Maggie Gyllenhaal is up for Best Supporting Actress, she won’t win. I feel the nomination is more of a tribute to how good Bridges was. He made every character in the film believable because you knew he was. Even Colin Farrell as a country singer stud, Tommy Sweet.

Hats off and cup up Mr. Bridges. Wonderful film.

Inglourious Basterds

Aug 2009, Quentin Tarantino, 153 mins

Though District 9 may be the surprise hit of the summer, Inglourious Basterds is the best movie of the summer. Quentin Tarantino has woven together a film that can't help but entertain. The over indulgent running times of some summer flicks like Transformers 2, Public Enemies, and Funny People had become a major turn off to spending my Sunday afternoons at the cine-plex. However, there is the correct way to make a movie with a 2½ hour run time… the correct way is to make your movie filled with excitement and intrigue much the way Tarantino sculpted Basterds.

Brad Pitt does his best John Wayne impersonation as the lead basterd, Lt. Aldo Raine. Raine and his group of heavenly thugs lay down the law on any unfortunate ‘Natzees’ (spelled as it is pronounced throughout the film) they may come across. Eli Roth and Til Schweiger are both superb as supporting basterds.

As the stories unfold on screen, we start to see the climax coming together. Much like Pulp Fiction or Go, the outlying plot-lines do come to a head in a dramatic bang ‘em up fashion. Basterds is not a war movie in the way Saving Private Ryan or Platoon are war movies. It’s a fictitious dream theory meant only to entertain. Who said Hitler had to die in a bunker with Eva Braun? There is a fair share of grotesque scalping, bat bludgeoning, and blood splatter but it seems light enough for the dissections that some horror/war movies have shown in the past. I think the opening march in Saving Private Ryan was just as extreme if not more.

Of the many things that are worth mentioning about the Basterds, two standout more than anything; first, the performance of Christoph Waltz, playing Nazi Co. Hans Landa, demands early attention for the Best Supporting Oscar even this early in the game. Waltz gave such a spark of evil to Landa that he only needed to be seen for a split second to elicit fear. The second is Tarantino himself. His camera shots, the cinematography, and his ability to get the best from his actors plays out so beautifully on film.

Inglourious Basterds is the best film of the year to date.

The Boondock Saints

Nov 1999, Troy Duffy, 110 minutes

For those of you who have not seen The Boondock Saints, you are missing one of the rarest occurrences in life. Much the way the Titan Arum (a.k.a. the Corpse Flower) opens but once every decade, a straight to DVD classic like The Boondock Saints is as equally hard to witness. The film, by all normal theatrical traits, should have at least gotten a small release in cinemas back in 1999. If I had to make a list of worse movies to come out in the past decade that received theatrical runs, the list would wrap around the earth 2.5 times. The list would include 5 Saw movies, most of the resumé from Uwe Boll, and just about anything Tom Green has ever breathed on.

The Boondock Saints is sort of your anti-superhero superhero movie without superheroes, get it? They kill bad guys when the legal system can’t get to them. Sounds like a bad DeNiro / Pacino movie. However, the then young cast of Sean Patrick Flannery (best known as Young Indiana Jones) and Norman Reedus (best known for... well I guess this movie) battle Boston’s least-finest with a flair for religion and humor. The leads stumble into the act of being heroes. They didn’t want this position but now find themselves morally bound to clean up the streets. Director Troy Duffy avoids much of the cliché you would see in a heavy breathing crime drama by keeping much of the action and dialogue light and fast.

Stealing the show is Willem Dafoe, who gives a career changing performance as FBI Agent Paul Smecker. Smecker, a comfortable homosexual who seems just as comfortable berating other homosexuals, is one of the wildest characters ever thrown on screen. From his cross-dressing to his river dancing, he blurs the line of genius and insanity. Dafoe has never been more entertaining.

The film is full of religious overtones and a scene of the leads awakening to the righteous lives they should live, however it never gets overbearing. The religion in this film is cool; I can’t believe I’m saying that – but it is. The little prayers they say after whacking a group of guys… it’s cool. The church should spend more time sponsoring screenings of The Boondock Saints and less time trying to promote Passion of the Christ.

Finally, find this under-respected little picture before it becomes out of style. With a sequel in the works, soon enough it’s going to be unhip to be down with the Saints.

No Country for Old Men

Nov 2007, Ethan and Joel Coen, 122 mins

By now a million stunning reviews have come out for this Coen Brother's Western. Critics have called it a Masterpiece, an instant classic, and the best movie of the year. Awards groups have nominated it for Best Picture, Best Director/s, Best Supporting Actor, and Best Screenplay (New York Board of Review, SAG, Golden Globes...) ...bottom line, they're all right!

No Country is a taught thriller that hits you right in the face with its loud and bloody scenes. Javier Bardem is the perfect psycho assassin. Josh Brolin is as good as he could ever be. Tommy Lee Jones is spot on as the stoic, quiet, humbled sheriff. And for the first time since Larry Flint, Woody Harrelson doesn't suck.

Props to the directors for making a modern western with real men. The three main characters are not pretty boys like Christian Bale and Russell Crowe (3:10 to Yuma, anyone?). These are gritty men who, with their presence alone, make every moment feel real.